Tag Archives: loss

Good Riddance 2013

It’s that time of year when the bloglands are filled with resolutions, and plans to do this and not that, and goals, and promises, and sweet little recaps of the closing year.

Normally I’d be cranking out my master list of 101 things I would like to consider tackling in the next 365 days… but this year I need a change.

A HUGE change.  We’re talking ginormous.  Godzilla times a million big.  Because last year chewed me up, and then threw me away with the bath water.  Cold bathwater, up the creek too, between a rock and a hard spot.

I’m sure there were some good parts dangled in front of me last year.  Like a visit from a dear friend.  My 60th sale on Etsy.  Getting a cell phone that actually worked.  But the bad parts trumped the good.  And then were topped with even more bad sprinkles just to keep it lively.  Like loosing my FIL, and while trying to make plans to make it up to him, flinging hot oil onto my contact lens.

Or like right before Christmas, being excited to have almost all of the shopping done.  And having my shop doing somewhat well.  And then having a cyst flare up to the size of a golf ball, then having the husband’s company CANCEL Christmas bonuses (Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?), while your oven is deader than a doorknob, then your door knob breaks, in the lock position, then your husband’s car needs over $500.00 worth of work, then you go to the ER where they knock you out with oddles of drugs, and company is on the way, and just announces they will be staying for Christmas.  (Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.)

Last year needs to choke and die a slow and painful death.  And it best not leave any of its baggage with this year.  Or I’ll be learning how to blog with my arms tied behind me in a spiffy white coat.  How I wish I was joking.

So my plans and goals for 2014?  In general, to buckle down, to burn last year’s calendar, and to pray for the best.  After all, the best laid plans can blow up in your face, and things can always get worse (and probably will), tomorrow may not ever be.

We have to live, knowing, that today is where we are supposed to be.  Right here in the now, that’s our purpose.  And that’s my goal.

So 2013, Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

No?

Fine.  I’ll just go back to knitting, and watching Christmas Vacation for the millionth time.  😉

 

Masterpiece

tangle

Life. We’ve heard it before, it’s not about the finished work, but the individual strokes that created the finished piece. That doesn’t make things easier to swallow. Because sometimes you have to see the finished piece, so you know where to lay that first drop of ink.

There has to be a vision, somewhere, somehow, to get you moving in the first place. Especially when life locks your soul up in a cold, dark basement. It’s the chicken and the egg. What comes first? Movement or direction? Doing or being inspired? Some days it’s neither, some days it’s both. Like moving a huge piece of furniture, where you ease it forward, moving one corner forward at a time. Doing. Living. Doing. Living.

sketch

And it’s all so exhausting.  The pushing and the pulling.  The constant reminders of mortality.  The mistakes.  The blemishes.  The still having so much to learn, and do.  And the overwhelming need to have a fresh, new, blank canvas to start all over again.  Because if I only knew what I know now…

zen

Had I known…

Perhaps I wouldn’t have cared so much about the masterpiece.

Maybe I would have held onto those scrap pieces of time.  Those scribbles in my life…

Maybe I wouldn’t have left so many blank pages lying around.

Yet it’s the masterpiece that drags me back up off the floor.  The need to get somewhere better than here, better than the now.  My blessing and my curse.  The delicate lines drawn by the fragile lives, and tear stained water colors.  The need to make this life beautiful once again, not in spite of the hurt, but because of it.  To always remember.

And to accept the here, right now, is where I’m supposed to be.  Today is my Masterpiece.

art

This Broken Heart

I’ve been told that we’re supposed to grow from pain. Learn from the past, forgive, grow stronger, gain wisdom and character. Take to our faith in troubled times, and embrace it.

There’s truth in those beliefs. We’re always growing, moving, and changing. Even when we dig in our heels, and hide under the covers. Because you can’t stop life, even when you’re broken, even when your caught in bliss.

If only there was a way to dump out all of the emotions life forces out onto a table and sort them all out. “Here. Here is my pile of what I am mad about. Here’s the stack of happy thoughts. Over there is my sad. There’s a basket of things I need to forgive. There’s the box of what I wish to be forgiven for.” Clear cut, simplified, and sort-able. manageable. Instead of the jumble mix of jealousy, hurt, anger, fear, happiness and so forth that flies back and forth like a dust storm.

Because life keeps moving, and there’s little time to fully embrace each emotion and handle them properly. It’s saying goodbye to one family member who you knew would soon be parting from this earth, to having another one taken without warning before you hung your funeral dress back up in the closet, the awkward heels still in your car. It’s the dying inside while you’re rushing another family member off to the ER, while keeping the kids busy and quiet in the waiting room. Topped off with another family member coming back into your life, that you might not be ready for, because are you still mad, hurt, angry, scared, or morning them? All the while just trying to save every dime to keep your home, and gas in your car.

If only life would just provide time to breathe.

There’s so much to think about, to feel, to deal with. There’s so many words to say. But when you know others are hurting so much worse, you can’t risk that one lonely minute in which you might lose control and fall apart 100%. Because life demands you keep moving.

Oh but this tiny little broken heart is tired of this age of loss it has found itself in. And it’s mad at the mess one family had created. It’s desperate to see one soul once again, even for a moment to say good-bye. It wants to move on, it wants to be ticked, and it wants hurt. And it wants others to let it just be. Alone, hidden, trembling, until it’s too tired to weep anymore. Then maybe it can move on, and deal with the million other demands put in front of it. Maybe then it can love despite the past without judgement. Maybe.

Yet life waits for no one, not even this broken heart.

~Emily