Tag Archives: life

Masterpiece

tangle

Life. We’ve heard it before, it’s not about the finished work, but the individual strokes that created the finished piece. That doesn’t make things easier to swallow. Because sometimes you have to see the finished piece, so you know where to lay that first drop of ink.

There has to be a vision, somewhere, somehow, to get you moving in the first place. Especially when life locks your soul up in a cold, dark basement. It’s the chicken and the egg. What comes first? Movement or direction? Doing or being inspired? Some days it’s neither, some days it’s both. Like moving a huge piece of furniture, where you ease it forward, moving one corner forward at a time. Doing. Living. Doing. Living.

sketch

And it’s all so exhausting.  The pushing and the pulling.  The constant reminders of mortality.  The mistakes.  The blemishes.  The still having so much to learn, and do.  And the overwhelming need to have a fresh, new, blank canvas to start all over again.  Because if I only knew what I know now…

zen

Had I known…

Perhaps I wouldn’t have cared so much about the masterpiece.

Maybe I would have held onto those scrap pieces of time.  Those scribbles in my life…

Maybe I wouldn’t have left so many blank pages lying around.

Yet it’s the masterpiece that drags me back up off the floor.  The need to get somewhere better than here, better than the now.  My blessing and my curse.  The delicate lines drawn by the fragile lives, and tear stained water colors.  The need to make this life beautiful once again, not in spite of the hurt, but because of it.  To always remember.

And to accept the here, right now, is where I’m supposed to be.  Today is my Masterpiece.

art

This Broken Heart

I’ve been told that we’re supposed to grow from pain. Learn from the past, forgive, grow stronger, gain wisdom and character. Take to our faith in troubled times, and embrace it.

There’s truth in those beliefs. We’re always growing, moving, and changing. Even when we dig in our heels, and hide under the covers. Because you can’t stop life, even when you’re broken, even when your caught in bliss.

If only there was a way to dump out all of the emotions life forces out onto a table and sort them all out. “Here. Here is my pile of what I am mad about. Here’s the stack of happy thoughts. Over there is my sad. There’s a basket of things I need to forgive. There’s the box of what I wish to be forgiven for.” Clear cut, simplified, and sort-able. manageable. Instead of the jumble mix of jealousy, hurt, anger, fear, happiness and so forth that flies back and forth like a dust storm.

Because life keeps moving, and there’s little time to fully embrace each emotion and handle them properly. It’s saying goodbye to one family member who you knew would soon be parting from this earth, to having another one taken without warning before you hung your funeral dress back up in the closet, the awkward heels still in your car. It’s the dying inside while you’re rushing another family member off to the ER, while keeping the kids busy and quiet in the waiting room. Topped off with another family member coming back into your life, that you might not be ready for, because are you still mad, hurt, angry, scared, or morning them? All the while just trying to save every dime to keep your home, and gas in your car.

If only life would just provide time to breathe.

There’s so much to think about, to feel, to deal with. There’s so many words to say. But when you know others are hurting so much worse, you can’t risk that one lonely minute in which you might lose control and fall apart 100%. Because life demands you keep moving.

Oh but this tiny little broken heart is tired of this age of loss it has found itself in. And it’s mad at the mess one family had created. It’s desperate to see one soul once again, even for a moment to say good-bye. It wants to move on, it wants to be ticked, and it wants hurt. And it wants others to let it just be. Alone, hidden, trembling, until it’s too tired to weep anymore. Then maybe it can move on, and deal with the million other demands put in front of it. Maybe then it can love despite the past without judgement. Maybe.

Yet life waits for no one, not even this broken heart.

~Emily

~A Quick Short Story~

She took a deep breath, and told the boy, she’d never let go.

She ignored his warnings.  The promises of the demons lining the road ahead of him.  The mountains, valleys, and rivers that blocked the way.

She’d walk it all with him.

Her heart, her soul, would be trampled, bruised, and scraped.  A casualty of his pains, not the victim.  She couldn’t turn away.

The path would be cold, and lonely.  Covered in shadows, and bitter winds.  It would hurt, and she would be hurt, but she’d never let go of that boy.

And maybe he was right, maybe one day, together, they would reach the end of that path.  And they could both laugh, together, at the trials they had conquered, the fear they had tackled.

Then together, hand in hand, they would continue down the next one, towards the next mountain that needed to be moved.

And then the next one.  And the next one.

And she would never let go.

‘Cause Life Keeps on Happening

The weekend started normal.  Way too many plans, way too many things I wanted to get done.  Hanging out with my mom, the usual.

After a week with my son being in and out of some stomach bug, that was minor, but still icky, and then our daughter ending the week with it, the weekend was welcomed.

And then I got it.  This stupid stomach bug.  Which is bad enough, because your stomach swells like you’re 7 months pregnant, and you contemplate moving all your belongings into the bathroom, and eventually your body just runs out of steam… but then it gets worse.

Then I get a panicked phone call from my mom.

My jack russell, the last of the two dogs she had kept from my days in dog training school, is sick, very sick.  And she’s rushing her off to the emergency vet.

So then it’s tossing and turning, from a stomach that’s trying to birth a 20 pound alien of sickness, and not knowing if your very young jack russell is ever going to be okay, and wishing you weren’t an hour away to comfort your mom, and a little bit of prying to God wondering what the heck He’s trying to do with taking your two best dogs, your goat, and now another pet in less than two years…

And then it’s biting your tongue as the rest of the family need this and that, and right now, all the while you’re just trying to stay in one piece.

Darla

She passes in the middle of the night.  Heart failure out of nowhere that they couldn’t stop.  And I’m thankful that it was a pet, and not a human, but the emptiness grows.

So I do the stupid and make a coffee date, just to get out of the house.   As I’m rushing to make one stupid bagel before I leave, dying from hunger.  And then the cream cheese is frozen and won’t smooth out.  So I pull out a stick of butter and try to microwave it for a second to soften it up, and then the microwave shoots sparks out at me.  Then the toddler, laughing the whole time, just takes my bagel and runs off with it.

Hungry and now late, I rush out to the car, and it’s on empty.

I get gas and hit traffic, because a bear is standing on the side of the road…

And I laugh and cry, because this stupid life, just keeps on happening.

 

Are You Willing to Make a Change?

Is it possible to change your life? 

What change would you make?  Is it big, is it small, is there just one, or would you make at least a dozen changes?

Could you turn around just one or two small aspects of your life and make yourself a better, happier person?

Yesterday I stumbled on an article claiming that in just 100 days you could make a major change in your life by just doing one or two things everyday.  This isn’t a new idea to me, I’ve followed flylady.org, I’ve read the books, the blogs, watched the shows on tv, and have always ended up bored, procrastinating, forgetting about my “mission” and so many more excuses. 

Life always seems to get in the way of making a real change.

But changing things, even just small things is always so appealing.  Because what if, just maybe, things could be different, better, easier, and the grandest of all allures… more fulfilling?

What if I could have changed things on try #1, or #2, or #12 two years ago, if I had just stuck with it?!

What if you could have changed such and such six months ago… where could you be now?

Ahh, but the point isn’t looking back and saying “what if”, the point is to let your past motivate you to actually dedicate yourself to a happier you today.   Or something of that nature.

I’m challenging you and myself to pick FIVE things from the list of sixty to tackle for the next 100 days.  Keep a journal, keep a blog, keep some record that shows your progress.  Dedicate yourself, find a friend to keep you accountable, don’t go it alone, storing the idea in the back of your head.  DO NOT procrastinate and say you’ll think about it later, waiting for the perfect time, the perfect list of five… just start now.  Because I know you are already psycho-analyzing this whole thing.  Stop.  It. 

Here’s the link again for the list that inspired this post: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/60-small-ways-to-improve-your-life-in-the-next-100-days.html

You can choose from that list, another list, or make up your own five.  But share it with us!

Here’s my five:

  1. Set an hour aside every day for the next 100 days to devote to creating one source of passive income.
  2. Create a “100 Days to Conquer Clutter Calendar” by penciling in one group of items you plan to declutter every day, for the next 100 days.  Here’s an example:
  3. Follow the advice proffered by positive psychologists and write down 5 to 10 things that you’re grateful for, every day.
  4. Make it a point to learn at least one new thing each day: the name of a flower that grows in your garden, the capital of a far-off country, or the name of a piece of classical music you hear playing in your favorite clothing boutique as you shop. If it’s time for bed and you can’t identify anything you’ve learned that day, take out your dictionary and learn a new word.
  5. For the next 100 days do one kind deed for someone every day, however small, even if it’s just sending a silent blessing their way.

I wanted to choose something from every group, but there’s no reason to go overboard all at once, even if most of them sounded like great ideas that I just have to do now!

So let’s see it, what’s on your list?

(and psssst, go to http://www.facebook.com/WhiteGoatRanch to follow my upcoming craft thingy)

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

There needs to be a rehab program for those of us who prefer to spin one hundred plates at a time, while piling as much as we can onto them.  Or maybe still, I just need to learn how to more effectively use my time. 

Or, maybe, I just need to learn that everything isn’t always going to blow up in my face.  Therefore my brain won’t need to spin in violent, dramatic replays, when ever something potentially bad is brought up. 

It’s one of those things, there’s been so much, I just think I know better, that I know the outcome, and that I should just go ahead and crumble now, before it happens, so I’m all better by the time it happens.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes I’m right, and sometimes I just waste an entire day grumbling in misery all for nothing.

Over thinking, it’s what us humans do.  We’re at step A, and we’re planning out step R, while forgetting how to get to step B.  We outline the potential losses, grieve long before the loss that may never even come to be, and we miss out on precious seconds of a way too short life.  Just because of those “What if’s”.

And our lungs tighten, our blood pressure soars, and our souls fizzle out.  Because life isn’t supposed to be this way.  It’s supposed to be Martha Stewart, Little House on the Prairie (without all the epic illnesses), Leave it to Beaver, with a twist of I love Lucy and a sprinkle of Dick Van Dyke.  It’s not supposed to be Everybody Loves Raymond without the laugh track. 

Because sometimes life just isn’t funny.  Not even those moments people tell you, “One day you’ll look back at this and laugh.”  Sorry buddy, but that’s not from humor, it’s from my insane finally showing.  Go ahead and call the guys with the giant white jacket, I promise to not fight.

Yet we know the routine; Fall Apart, Get Back Up, Move On.  Lather, Rinse, Repeat.  There’s no getting around it.  There’s no switching the order.  To learn to walk, you have to fall… over and over and over again.  The more you push it, the faster you try to move, the worse the fall.  And if you close your eyes, you’ll run straight into a corner and bust your head open.  Ask my son. 

So it’s a new day, a new week, a new month.  Here’s to letting some plates drop, watching them shatter on the ground, and stomping on them while blasting music until they’re nothing more than a fine dust, and letting the kids draw smiley faced critters in the mess.  Because that’s just the way life is.  ❤

What’s on your spinning plate?