Tag Archives: friends

~Confessions~

Hey there, look!  I do remember what a blog is!  Shocking right?

It’s been busy around here for sure.  Between family drama, sickness and injuries, the loss of favorite pets, starting a new business, and so on and so on… it’s hard to prioritize blogging.  And even harder to follow-up on my friends’ latest writings.

And then, then there is the confession.

I think, I gave up.

Or maybe it is that I am still giving up, or maybe I’m getting ready to give up, and that’s why I feel compelled to write about it.  Just one last time.  Not that I’m looking for someone to magically pull me back into that other realm, because the time still isn’t there…  but just to keep on with the honesty I prefer to keep in here.

So I don’t know what happened.  There was some slippery slope, or too many battle wounds… or something.  I was like the little train that could, puffing along, thinking I was on track, beating back the negativity… and then…  Then the track was cracked by a lack of progress.  I couldn’t meet my own goals to save my life. Then the repairable track met the tornado of a pretty bad critique.  Then the shambles that were left met another bad critique storm, and then another.

Oh I tried to stay strong and grab onto the sides and pull myself back up.  But it just all felt like there was nothing there to grab a hold of.  There was no concrete success to put a foot on, there were no met goals to reach for.  All that seemed to be there were countless hours wasted, eaten alive by my own self doubt.

When you’re left, trying to grab thin air, while real things need attention, things like finances, family, half-finished kitchen walls… grabbing into the air seems utterly silly.  Foolish.

What did 50+ followers mean to the stack of bills?  Nada.  What did one featured post mean to the family at dinner time?  Nothing.  What did hours of imagining factious plots do for the betterment of anything?  Not much.  And maybe that’s all my fault.  Maybe I just never had the dedication.  Maybe I didn’t work hard enough, or want it bad enough.  Either way I couldn’t/can’t produce enough evidence to continue down that path.

Yes, yes, I know, whoa, holy heaps of negativity.  Unusual for me to do here.

And my bitterness isn’t towards anyone.  I don’t want those who have potential to be turned off by what I’m sharing.  This is only in my case, all though I’m sure I’m not alone.

I asked once, what your final straw would be, where you would actually turn your back on a dream.  And I guess I had found my final line.  When your confidence breaks so far that you can no longer drag yourself down that path.  When you actually smirk, and twist a compliment, and you get upset.  When, for the most part, the words just stop flowing.  When you just can’t.

In closing, I thank all of you for all of your support.  I thank you for everything you have done for me, and with me.  I’ll still be floating around this interwebs world.  I’ll still be randomly posting here when the mood strikes.  I’ll try to one day get back to visiting your blogs.  This isn’t meant to be a big old begging for compliments, or anything of the like.  Like I said, I believe in being as honest as possible here, and this is real life folks, unedited, and with a pot of coffee, or two.

 

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~Without You~

Thirty pages, that’s how much I have left until I’m officially done with my first edits and rewrite. Just thirty pages to go before I get to send off my baby to school and teach it grammar and punctuation. 

Unlike my real children I can’t wait to see it go.

I’m tired of coddling, and nurturing it’s whiney little arse, and I’m ready to see it all grown up and in the real world.  I love it, I do, and I’m giving it my all… but I’m ready to shove it out of the nest and watch it fly… or crash onto the concrete with a thud and a splatter.  Either or, it’s getting close to the time where it must sink or swim.  And I think that’s a good thing.  Knowing it’s almost ready, knowing it’s time to release it from my hard drive.

And my mind is constantly thinking, “What’s next after this?”  And I know the gun hasn’t even sounded and I’m off past the first marker, or just off my rocker.  But there’s other ideas and needs and wants, clawing inside their shells.  Other paths I want to try… and it’s all hopped up on sugar and caffeine and keeping me up at night.  Each potential avenue and thought dancing around waiting for Santa to arrive.

And I want and I want and I want…

So it’s baby steps of torture, and calling myself off of the chase before I dive off of the cliff head first.  Big breaths and little steps, but allowing the dreams to slam down one more pixie stick before bed.

And it’s about giving thanks to all of you.  With the kind comments and constant encouragement, feeding the monster in my head, the monster that keeps the inner voices at bay, the ones that try to get me to quit it all.  Without you all, the casual readers, the faithful commenters, my friends, I’d still be on page one, afraid to peek around the corner.

Thank you.

~Emily

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Q&A and Excuses, Lots of Them

It’s funny how the interwebs works.  One day your blog is sitting there, petting all of its wee little interweb dust bunnies, watching them multiply and then the next day your spam box is standing room only and your reading list and need-to-reply-to list is longer than the Mississippi.

Not that I’m complaining.  It’s nice to open things up and think, whoaaa.  It’s just not so nice that it ALL happens when I’m 100% dedicated to doing other things.  Because unintentionally I’m going to miss something, someone and then I’m gonna feel all guilty months later and ruin probably what was going to be the best friendship ‘evah

So here’s the deal, my readers ROCK!  Like rock it in leather pants, and tie-dyed hair ROCK.  And I love them all.  Even my newest fan Glerf.  (long story)  But I can’t possibly go through all the chain awards and games right now (okay so maybe if I wasn’t typing this long arsed thing), and link 15 people here and there EVEN THOUGH I DO WANT TO PUT ALL OF YOU IN SPOTLIGHTS!  And I do appreciate the time you all have spent highlighting me!  ❤ ❤ ❤  So do me a favor… go check out my blogroll (that I’m currently still adding to, so keep checking back)  visit everyone on it and share some love.  Seriously, comments are like skittles, booze, and a good tune on a gloomy day.  If you’re not listed, please let me know because either I’m still in the process of getting to you orrrrrrrr I don’t have your correct link! 

With that said, I do happen to love me a little bit of Q&A, so even though I’m not gonna follow the rules with tags and what nots, I have to answer the questions Beckey over at My Really Real Reality tagged me in:

  1. What is your favorite book?  There’s one book I’ve had since I was in grade school.  I can’t part with it, even though I’ve had it since I was like 9, and I haven’t read it since.  Basically you had this young girl with a tough as nails father, and they lived out in the country (which was always my dream) and she found a mustang that her father had trapped to save his crops.  Long story short her and the mustang fell in love, and her father finds out.  The ending breaks my heart and the book started my obsession with reading. 
  2. Favorite sweet treat?  Hrrrmmm, I can’t pick just one.  But I love things with dark chocolate or cinnamon and sugar.  I dislike complicated concoctions and anything with coconut.
  3. Who would play you in the movie version of your life?  Eeek, I’m not so sure I’d want my life to be a movie.  But I’m going to go with Angelina Jolie.  Sure we don’t have anything in common besides both of us having tattoos, but at least she’d play me straight, and demand to keep the movie real and un-hollywood.  She drives me crazy as a person, but she’s damn good at being a character.  (and yes my actress would need some wicked talent to play me *snort*)
  4. What was your favorite subject to study in school? In Highschool I’d say Art, Religion and Creative Writing.  (Yes I see it says SUBJECT, in the singular)  In college it was defiantly Political Sciences. 
  5. What are you grateful for everyday?  Without writing a novel: my husband whom I don’t deserve, the minions, being able to create, faith, life, time, the little wisdom I do have, and getting another day.  I truly don’t deserve any of it.
  6. Do you still have your tonsils?  Hell yeah.  I don’t do surgery. 
  7. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?  Macaroni and Cheese.  Honest to gawd.  It’s the perfect shade of orange for every coloring book.  Andddd I like to be cryptic like that.
  8.  Who do you miss the most?  My nan.  (aka my grandmother)  She taught me how to do five hundred things at once and get lost in creative messes.  She created my fire, or at least soaked it in lighter fluid for YEARS.
  9. If you could be any fictional character, who would you chose?  Eh, I’d pass on the offer.  Every character at some point has to go through such extremes.  Even cinderella is going to need years of therapy and drugs for living in ashes for half her life.  I’ll stay right here where I already have half a grip on my dysfunctions thank you very much.
  10. What is your favorite sound?  Hahahahahahahahahahaha.  No sounds would be my favorite sound!  A 6-year-old, a 21 month old, 3 dogs, 7 chickens, a goat, a husband, a band, 2 buggies and two cats… this momma likes the quiet.
  11. When was the last time you were nervous?  Every dang day.  Probably once an hour, at least.  If my children aren’t busy trying to defy the laws of gravity, it’s the sharing of thoughts and words with the public interwebs, and if it’s not that it’s the whole something is always happening around here.

And the real rules go something along the lines of sharing unknown things, tagging people and asking new questions, if you really want to follow along.  But I say, for the heck of breaking rules, I wanna hear your answers right here to the same questions.  I’m such a renegade.  😉

~Emily

It’s Like a Group Hug in Here

I’ve been passing up the chain awards lately.  At first they were all awesome and exciting, and then they became redundant and awkward.  These things really float through the webs faster than the speed of light, and then they start to lose their specialness.  They become insincere all too quickly, like tarnished glitter.

But sometimes we need to stop for a minute and just get down with our sappy sides.   Sometimes we need to stop the day-to-day, the ideas, the to-do list and take a moment to thank those who really have made an impact, who have been there in the good, the bad, the ugly and the late night booze influenced chat messages. 

Take for instance, Casey at Navigating Cyberloss, who passed on the award of One Lovely Blog to me.  Her blog is dedicated to nothing more than being that ever there shoulder to lean on.  Do yourself a favor and go there now, her writings are beautiful, deep and heartfelt.  She’s a person you need to know, 100% genuine and open.  She inspires me daily.

unfortunately there’s always the rules with these things, and people always demand 7 things about me, which for me is much like pulling teeth.  I’m pulling teeth for you all, feel special.

  1. I am a self-taught knitter and crocheter.  My grandmother tried to teach me when I was young and too stupid to appreciate the skills.  I decided to learn the skills shortly after my first child was born for no real reason other than I wanted a new afghan.  Two books later and bundles of yarn I can almost nail most of the basic and advanced skills… but I have yet to finish that afghan…
  2. I have a secret desire to become a marathon runner.  I’m also too lazy to pursue it.  I blame it on having a wee one, and no place to run with a stroller.
  3. I have two tattoos on my lower back.  Both tribal, black ink only.  One is a sun, with script for “Life” in the center, the other a horse. 
  4. I have four completely written, unedited books from NaNoWriMo, all urban fictions.  And I keep telling myself I’ll dust them all back off… one of these days, maybe.
  5. I am not a brave individual.  I hate taking risks, and detest things I can’t control. 
  6. I still love legos. 
  7. My blog gives me daily conflict of wether to keep going with it or not… I am my own worst critic.

And now for the hugging:

Thanks (and this award) goes out to…

  1.  The Valentine 4 (I’m still trying to figure out how to steal her writing skills)
  2.  This N That , who puts up with more from me than she really should.
  3. “A” who doesn’t have a blog, but really should.  ❤
  4.  The Laine List, who’s a brilliant designer for blogs (she did my headline!) but also a great friend and blogger.
  5. Belle of the Carnival who always keeps me entertained.
  6. The Bad Luck Detective, who’s the real deal writer, hero, comedian and sweetheart all wrapped into one.
  7. Is this the Middle, hilarious and great!
  8. Monday Morning Musings and Behavioral Child… just don’t get her started on purses!
  9. KarenLynn who’s a great photographer and friend.
  10. Journey of Life a most inspiring person.
  11. Denise, the community manager over at BlogHer who has way too many links to list them all, and whom we’d all be lost without!
  12. Truths From Chaos, with whom I just had the pleasure of finding her writings.
  13. Sassy Monkey who keeps adding to my dang to be read list…
  14. Home Reared Chef, again with many links and many talents!
  15. Sunbonnet Smart, who the world is most defiantly a better place because of her love for everyone she meets!

I could, and should add about 50 more people to the list of thanks.  But getting all these links together and working took half a pot of coffee and over an hour.  My dino-interwebs are about to die.  Truly this blog would have died months ago without all of you!  Thank You for everything!

This concludes the group hug and sappiness of the day.

Go pass on the love…

  1. Thank the gifter of award.
  2. Share 7 facts about yourself.
  3. Pass the award onto 15 deserving bloggers.

~Cleaning House~

 

Cleaning House.

We’ve all had the feeling of needing to purge the less than wanted from our lives.  The clutter, the trash, the broken, the old.  Hopelessly scouring to reveal the clean slate our souls need.

Sometimes we rid ourselves of the people, the cluttered, the broken, the negative, the old to make way for the new, the better.

And sometimes we get cleaned out.  Thrown out with the trash, let go like an heirloom that’s no longer loved.

It happens.

And we say and we hope, “It’s all for the best.”  And maybe at first we don’t even notice the split.  “We’re all better off.”  Afterall.

Then there’s the times you see it happening all too slowly.  You see the river widening, the shores split apart, you can see the ocean in the horizon, and you can look back to the small trickle that began it all.

Do you turn back?  Build Bridges?  Fill in the gap? 

Do you let go.  Let the current take you further?

Do you care?

 

The Kathryn Ingrid Creativity Award & Passing it On

A while back, Melissa at This N That, That N This kindly passed on to me The Kathryn Ingrid Creativity Award.

Today it’s finally time to share with you, the bloggers that I am passing the torch onto.

And to be 100% honest I don’t follow very many blogs.  Not for the lack of want, but more so because I have 2 young minions, 5 million animals, a project fetish and dino-dial-up-interwebs that makes a blog take an hour to load.  I have it set in my mind to one of these days to take advantage of that whole Google Reader thing and to figure out how to schedule everything in together.

But I digress.

I’m choosing to nominate those who have shown the utmost support in these early days of my rambling. 

And without further rambling:

  1. Melissa at This N That, That N This
  2. Sarah at Coffee and Cigarettes
  3. Heidi at Blogheidi.com
  4. Darci at Belle of the Carnival
  5. George at Rough and Rede
  6. Karen at KarenLynn
  7. Laine at The Laine List
  8. Boy Mom Blog
  9. Lindsey at Rewind Revise

I’m sure I’ve left some really great bloggers out, and I do apologize. 

So here’s the deal for those who are new to this award:

  1.  If you accept the award share thanks to the person who passed it on to you!
  2. Tell us 7 things about you. 
  3. Tell us why you blog. 
  4. And last but not least pass the award on!

Hopefully I was able to make a wee bit more sense on this attempt to wrap up the longest acceptance speech in the blogging world.  Something about clicking, and linking on dino interwebs makes my brain mush out every single time.

Don’t forget to check out the awesome writer’s I linked to!

The Voices in My Head, and Why I Blog

A requirement for the Kathyrn Ingrid Creativity Award is to share why I began blogging.

I wish I had some moving inspiring story, or some fantastic journey that led me here… but I don’t.

Honestly I just have to write

I’ve tried to quit, only to find the voices in my head get much too loud.  I tried to privately journal and share my stories with the goat, but it’s just not the same. 

There’s just something therapeutic about spilling thoughts into the interwebs and having real human beings respond back.  It’s about making that connection. 

It’s almost addicting.

I do have my practical reasons to.  Like if I ever finish my book and get it published I do expect each and everyone of you to buy a copy.  Which means I best come up with some far more interesting topics to keep you roped in for the next few years…  Yikes.  

So that’s why I’m here, because the voices in muh head tell me I have to.

What about you?

And yes I’m almost done with making this the longest (and worst) acceptance speech EVER.  Come back on Monday to meet fabulous bloggers with whom I’m passing the award onto!  (here’s a hint, it’s probably YOU)

 

~Being You~

This is probably redundant.  And you probably do not need a reminder, but I do daily.  So now you’re stuck with my own reminder.  Ha.

I get trapped often by the interwebs world.

“Hi, My name is Emily, and I compare myself to other bloggers/writers.”  There, I said it.

I have my moments when I read a blog written by a mom of 8 perfect kids with the perfect house with white picket fences and Better Homes and Garden rooms and gardens, the perfect husband who fights super villans at night, makes uber bucks and builds beautiful barns and bathrooms on the weekend, she does perfect crafts and sells them on etsy, she runs a church on Sundays, has two kids who are Doctors that can cure every disease while working in a hut in Africa, she cooks better than everyone on tv, has a doctorate, and just wrote her 5th best-selling book.  

I hate her, and she makes me hate me. 

The self-pity then spins you into reaching for things that just aren’t you.  You strive to be just like someone else and lie to yourself the whole damn time.  You hide your own talents to be more, to be better, to be perfect.  And all you do is perfect your own flaws.  And then you break down.  And then the hate sizzles, bubbles and boils over. 

And you find your self drowning in coffee at your keyboard, looking for someone else to tell you how to be a better you.  Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Maybe it’s just me.

I doubt it.

The problem is that in emulating someone else you hide your own talents. 

I’ve been blogging, journaling and “writing” for years.  I’ve had a few supporters who repeatedly suggest that I push the envelope, that I have something there and that I’m missing out on a oppurtunity.  Naturally I didn’t get it, and tried to do what I thought they were telling me… I tried to do what others did.  I tried a homemaking type of blog… FLOP.  Okay so then I tried focussing on politics… FLOP.  Fine, how about witty stuff… FLOP.  Well, I must just be a complete failure then because that’s what the masses of blogging queens do!  Those supporters MUST be idiots.  THEY LIED!

But because I never learned, I tried to dip my toes into E-Books.  I thought I was being all smart and stuff and picked the topic of Dog Training, something I know tons about.  feverishly I typed away.  Then I shared it with a few close people.  FLIP, FLOP, FLIPPITY FLOP.  What the HELL!?! 

Oh and then, then my husband really ticked me off, “This reads too much like a story, a novel.  This isn’t your thing.”  Like it’s my fault if he doesn’t get the flow.  *insert 3 bottles of a wine induced pity party*  And he wrapped it up with something along the lines of how I should write cards for Hallmark.  I might have programmed a few lawyers’ phone numbers into my phone that night.  That was NOT what I wanted to hear.

Why is it so hard to find my niche out there when there are millions of people succeeding so well at it?!

Probably because I am not them, and I had my mind-set on following their footsteps, instead of my own.

It’s difficult, having dreams similar to those around you.  Seeing them succeed, seeing them doing what you want to do.  Logically you think you have to do it like them, because it worked for them.  That must be the one and only path to happiness and success!

It only brings self-pity and hatred.

And the first step to recovery is to stop perfecting your flaws.  And to do that you have to discover your talents.  PS.  You have to discover them, they can’t be pointed out.  I don’t know why that is, but for some reason you can’t own something that someone else gives you, you just never trust it.  At least that’s the case for me.

But how do own your talents?  How do you accept them without thinking you’re full of it, without thinking that you’re patting your own back over a huge pile of crap?  I haven’t quite figured that one out yet.

Then a friend asked me a very tricky question, I wanted to poke her in the eye with a stale cheeto for being so hokey, but there’s a lot of depth in what she asked.  Paraphrasing she asked,

Give yourself one compliment about your writing.

Immediately I thought, “Hell she’s going to laugh at whatever I come up with.  She’s sooooo going to judge me on this one!  Who am I to compliment myself!?!”

So pressed with time and the threat of her reaching through my computer screen to choke me I quickly scanned my mind for those times I actually felt “successful” at what I loved to do.  The answer flooded my mind, “Emotions”.

My writing is emotional.  Wait, do you feel it?  There it is, peeking out of the depths of self loathing… I might have a knack at making my readers feel emotions.  Maybe, I don’t want to get too carried away.

And you know what?  As I sit here this morning, writing a novel of a post, it’s easy to connect the dots, and I’m not afraid to give my self a tiny pat on the back.  My talent is not writing witty blogs, and that’s okay.  I have a talent for telling a story.  I have a knack for going on and on in great length to get my emotions out.  And there’s actually people out there who feel a connection in what I have to say.  And I’m not afraid to own it.

I’m pretty sure that that’s what my husband ment when he suggested Hallmark as a career.  It wasn’t an insult, it was his way of saying “you might suck at writing how-to’s and such, but you really do have something with this mushy crap you write, but I’m a man and can’t say it that way.” 

And it’s probably why my other blog that’s all from nights of spilling out emotions on a touchy subject has gotten remarkable response and views, while my others get zilch. 

And it just might be what people have been trying to tell me all along.

And I could be wrong about it all. 

But that’s not the point. 

The point is putting yourself out there without the goal of someone else’s success.  The point is to find your own talents and to own them, to accept them.  To know who you are, and to not blur the lines.  Don’t be afraid of encouraging yourself without worrying what others will think. 

Life happens in between the edits.

 

 

 

~Moments of Thanks~

Quite honestly I have been out of words since I wrapped up this year’s NaNoWriMo challenge.  So when my friend trapped me into reading her blog that ended with a question, I decided to hijack the whole thing and make it into today’s post.  You can check out what she said here.

She asked,  So now my question is, can you name a few things you’re grateful for?  Things/People/Thoughts you can bring up on a dark day of yours that will do you some cheering up?  Pipe in people? 

But she also yelled at us to STFU in her title… confuses me she does.  *snort*  But I’m going to give it a shot anyway…

I’m thankful, grateful for those moments.  You know the ones, the moments that make your eyes pop wide open, and make your heart melt into putty.  Those are the ones.  Moments that for no reason change everything in your world, until you get too busy and you let go of them.

Moments when you’re broken down, crying to the skies, when the sun breaks through the clouds and once again you can stand up, still sad, but better. 

The moments when you look at your children and they just give you that look back.  That look that says you’re doing things right, and that they will forever love you no matter what.

Those moments when the world stops, and you feel deeply loved.  Even when you know that person always loves you, but every once in a while they reconfirmed it, without doing a single thing.

I’m thankful for those quiet moments I get outside, alone, lost in my own thoughts.  Where my mind quiets and rests.

And there’s the times when a friend pops out of nowhere and calls, or writes, or sends a card, always when you needed it the most, always when you thought you were alone, always without knowing how much you needed it.

I’m grateful for those times when your heart is finally at peace and you realize that even if you lost every material possession that you owned and that things would still be okay.  It’s when you realize things are nothing more than that, things. 

I find thanks in those moments that make no sense.  Those times when you’re hurt, abandoned, lost.  In those moments is when you find your true faith, your true heart, your true self.  Those are the times that we learn, grow and change.  That is when we’re shaped and molded. 

 

So how about you?