Category Archives: ~She~

She’s Not Ready

The feelings had built up over the years.  So many feelings she felt as though she was trying to wade through wet cement.  They were hard to make out.  Which ones were hard truth, which ones had other memories exaggerated, which ones never really happened?

One by one she tried to sort through them, struggling to make sense of them all.  She had wasted too many years, too many relationships, too many opportunities trying to just shut them out.  She had reached her breaking point, and promised that she would not be like him.

The man she loved, but the man who broke her time and time again.  The man who was her all, but couldn’t be there for her.  She didn’t want to follow in his footsteps, even though she never wants to let him go.

She wants to tell him this, all of this.  How he hurt her time and again.  How he forgot about her, how he so easily can turn his back, how he never was there to see the tears she cried… because of him. 

She wants to tell him how so many of her failures were out of the fear he installed.  How she broke many of hearts, out of habits that he had built in her.  How she wanted so much to make him proud, to make him stay, to make him care. 

She wants to show him all that she’s done, all that she learned, the good and the bad. 

She wants to know if he realizes the rage that can build in her blood, the temper she battles, the hate her mind can fester… because of him.  She wonders if he gets that the rush of tears she can’t control is because of him.

She wants to show him how it can be, breaking those chains, building, growing, how life does not need to be this way.  That life is more than the deceit, the anger, the games. 

She wants to tell him, she wants to show him, she wants to ask him why?

She’s not ready.  She may never be.

But she’s okay.  She’s doing fine.  She’s learning, she’s growing, she has overcome. 

And she still loves him madly, and always will for all of time.  He shaped her, he built her, he made her want more, to be more… And without him, she’d never be at all.

~The Monster in Her Head~

There’s a snake, all long and cold, black as coal, red glowing eyes, curled up under her desk.

She sits, trying to type, trying to reach her dreams, with her legs folded under her, praying not to wake the creature.  Many times before she has tried to kill the beast, that lies sleeping under her desk, but no mater what she does he always comes back. 

He’s ready to strike with his large poisoned fangs.  He wants her to feel the fear, the pain, the agony he represents.  He wants her to give up, to walk away, to hide in fear. 

His threats are hard to ignore.  The pain so real.

And the battle goes on day after day, between her and her snake.  She dreams and he strikes, some days it’s all too much, the scars as thick as her hopes…

She wonders if she’ll ever beat this monster in her head.

~She Holds On~

A Drawing from my 16 year-old self.

She is overwhelmed.  Mixed and tossed with a jungle full of feelings and thoughts, water and oil, nothing mixing well.

Frustrated to the max that nothing is going as planned, saddened by loss, inspired by new life.

She’s waiting, searching for her magical moment when the pieces all align, when life slows down and she finally gets a grip on it all.

Looking for that utopia that she knows is hidden somewhere, around here, under the piles of clutter.

Waiting.  Any moment now.  She knows it will all connect.  These wild stray pieces of life.  Any day now.

She holds on.

She’s Ignoring the World

Her head doesn’t seem to be screwed on quite right. 

Her skin doesn’t seem to fit like it should.

The world seems to be just crumbling at the very tips of her toes.  And all she can do is squish her eyes as tight as they’ll go.

It’s hatred and scandal, there’s drama and deceit.

She should be falling apart, she should have already quit.  She should be decking her halls with pity party gear, slamming the days away with tears and booze.

But she is refusing to give in.  She’s ignoring the world.

She’s digging her heals deep into the earth, she’s feeding her stubbornness with all that she can.  She’s going to be strong, she’s going to win.

She’s ignoring the world and it fits her just right. 

She’s sunshine and daisies, rainbows and skittles.  She’s optimism in full bloom and she just doesn’t care. 

She’s going to be all that she shouldn’t.  Despite what they think.