The feelings had built up over the years. So many feelings she felt as though she was trying to wade through wet cement. They were hard to make out. Which ones were hard truth, which ones had other memories exaggerated, which ones never really happened?
One by one she tried to sort through them, struggling to make sense of them all. She had wasted too many years, too many relationships, too many opportunities trying to just shut them out. She had reached her breaking point, and promised that she would not be like him.
The man she loved, but the man who broke her time and time again. The man who was her all, but couldn’t be there for her. She didn’t want to follow in his footsteps, even though she never wants to let him go.
She wants to tell him this, all of this. How he hurt her time and again. How he forgot about her, how he so easily can turn his back, how he never was there to see the tears she cried… because of him.
She wants to tell him how so many of her failures were out of the fear he installed. How she broke many of hearts, out of habits that he had built in her. How she wanted so much to make him proud, to make him stay, to make him care.
She wants to show him all that she’s done, all that she learned, the good and the bad.
She wants to know if he realizes the rage that can build in her blood, the temper she battles, the hate her mind can fester… because of him. She wonders if he gets that the rush of tears she can’t control is because of him.
She wants to show him how it can be, breaking those chains, building, growing, how life does not need to be this way. That life is more than the deceit, the anger, the games.
She wants to tell him, she wants to show him, she wants to ask him why?
She’s not ready. She may never be.
But she’s okay. She’s doing fine. She’s learning, she’s growing, she has overcome.
And she still loves him madly, and always will for all of time. He shaped her, he built her, he made her want more, to be more… And without him, she’d never be at all.