Hey there, look! I do remember what a blog is! Shocking right?
It’s been busy around here for sure. Between family drama, sickness and injuries, the loss of favorite pets, starting a new business, and so on and so on… it’s hard to prioritize blogging. And even harder to follow-up on my friends’ latest writings.
And then, then there is the confession.
I think, I gave up.
Or maybe it is that I am still giving up, or maybe I’m getting ready to give up, and that’s why I feel compelled to write about it. Just one last time. Not that I’m looking for someone to magically pull me back into that other realm, because the time still isn’t there… but just to keep on with the honesty I prefer to keep in here.
So I don’t know what happened. There was some slippery slope, or too many battle wounds… or something. I was like the little train that could, puffing along, thinking I was on track, beating back the negativity… and then… Then the track was cracked by a lack of progress. I couldn’t meet my own goals to save my life. Then the repairable track met the tornado of a pretty bad critique. Then the shambles that were left met another bad critique storm, and then another.
Oh I tried to stay strong and grab onto the sides and pull myself back up. But it just all felt like there was nothing there to grab a hold of. There was no concrete success to put a foot on, there were no met goals to reach for. All that seemed to be there were countless hours wasted, eaten alive by my own self doubt.
When you’re left, trying to grab thin air, while real things need attention, things like finances, family, half-finished kitchen walls… grabbing into the air seems utterly silly. Foolish.
What did 50+ followers mean to the stack of bills? Nada. What did one featured post mean to the family at dinner time? Nothing. What did hours of imagining factious plots do for the betterment of anything? Not much. And maybe that’s all my fault. Maybe I just never had the dedication. Maybe I didn’t work hard enough, or want it bad enough. Either way I couldn’t/can’t produce enough evidence to continue down that path.
Yes, yes, I know, whoa, holy heaps of negativity. Unusual for me to do here.
And my bitterness isn’t towards anyone. I don’t want those who have potential to be turned off by what I’m sharing. This is only in my case, all though I’m sure I’m not alone.
I asked once, what your final straw would be, where you would actually turn your back on a dream. And I guess I had found my final line. When your confidence breaks so far that you can no longer drag yourself down that path. When you actually smirk, and twist a compliment, and you get upset. When, for the most part, the words just stop flowing. When you just can’t.
In closing, I thank all of you for all of your support. I thank you for everything you have done for me, and with me. I’ll still be floating around this interwebs world. I’ll still be randomly posting here when the mood strikes. I’ll try to one day get back to visiting your blogs. This isn’t meant to be a big old begging for compliments, or anything of the like. Like I said, I believe in being as honest as possible here, and this is real life folks, unedited, and with a pot of coffee, or two.