What I Need

Have you ever noticed how when things get good, things must get bad as well?  And that’s assuming I can even label things as good or bad, because in reality they’re all just things and can’t be classified as either.  They’re just there, and I’m letting them get to me.

And so I might have a wee bit of a history with pity parties.  I might own stock in pity party decorations, and I’m rather slow at taking down said decorations when the party is long done with.  I figure one day, I’ll get it all out of my system and finally learn how to deal with things without throwing in the only child temper behind them.

I really don’t know what it is I need.  Maybe a break?  Maybe a fresh outlook?  Maybe more time in my faith?  Maybe all of the above…  I do know I need something, and the things I think I need probably aren’t it. 

Like validation.  Yes I’m admitting it loud and clear.  I need validation, tons of it, lots and lots, or I will instantly fabricate excuses on why I shouldn’t invest myself into something.  And i know I always think I need more validation than what I have earned.  Which spins in circles and ticks me off even more.

And when you do the math, I need other people.  Which is bad and wrong on all sorts of spectrums.  I shouldn’t need other people to carry me throughout the challenges I have set for myself.  But I do.  Maybe I can blame it on being a Leo, if you’re into that sort of thing.

And can it really even be my fault when I’m a Leo and an only child, swirled into one very confused mind?  I mean honestly, take a sign that is based on attention and power and mix it with a child who had no one growing up besides a whole bunch of elderly people… of course I’ll have issues.

Or excuses, I always have a lot of excuses. 

And blame, I always want to dip my toes in that as well.  But again, that’s going back to needing other people.  At least I can identify the circles.

Long story short (yes I know this already all sorts of long and drawn out) I’ve let something out there get under my skin.  Yes I know exactly what it is, but that doesn’t matter.  What does matter is knowing if it’s my problem, if it’s worthy of the stress… or if it’s all just a figment of my stretched out imagination.  Which is quite difficult to do without showing all my sides of crazy.  (circles, I’m an expert at them) 

So I’m back at the beginning, what do I really need?   

I suppose, if I have to answer it, if I want to act all intelligent and together.  I guess I need time, but more than that.  I need to keep going, keeping pressing on, to push myself despite what I think I’m lacking. 

But I don’t wanna.

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6 responses to “What I Need

  1. You poor thing. I’m a Leo too. I had an astrological chart done once and discovered Leo’s really suck. Now to your other needs. You always amaze me. I love your writing and perspective. Also your willingness to share your doubts and insecurities. This is not easy for us Leos.

    Did you finish your last pages of edits? If so, it’s time to let go and trust your abilities. I do.

    • I have six pages left, which will be a drag now that all the conflict and tense action has ended, I’d change it, but the ending is necessary, I think… I dunno. I’ll let you and my friend “A” be the judge of that. The bebe hasn’t taken a nap all week… so time has been rarely on my side.

      Good to know that I’m not the only one that sees/feels the downside of being in constant need of attention… I’m going to use your comment as proof that I can’t help it! lol.

      And thank you so much. I know my writing’s rough around the edges, but I just have a need to let it be raw and open… even if it turns a lot of people away. <3 I should stop now before I right a whole nother blog post. <3

  2. Validation: We all need it and crave it on some level, even those of us that say we don’t. We are communal beings, not solitary (despite efforts to be so). Validation is necessary and important and comes in many forms from criticism, to praise to outright heckling. All are part of the process and not road blocks.

    It takes a village – it just does. I really think people (not you specifically) need to get over the feeling that something, anything, must be done on their own. We don’t lead solitary lives, it isn’t part of our nature, biology or culture. If you swing that way, then it might be time to get off that swing, turn it toward those that will support you and then start swinging again. (that *ALMOST* sounds naughty…but it isn’t).

    And…finally…this is just personal opinion: I feel that we, as a society, put guidelines on how we are suppose to feel by how we were raised. Being an only child, raised by elderly people, should not be something that holds you back. There is no golden formula. It seems, maybe wrongly so, that people raised in situations that are outside of what society deems ‘proper’, ‘normal’ and ‘what children need’…are the people that are most interesting, achieve the most astounding results and…well…are the most fun.

    I’ve had a rum and coke that was mostly one and less of the other. I’ll let you be the judge of which is which based on my vague and weird comment…that is mostly typed without too many mistakes. I’m goooood.

  3. I think we ALL need other people and validation. And I personally think there is nothing wrong with that. It’s hour our Creator wired us. And really as much as many (most?) of us want to be independent and self sufficient, I think very VERY few people can deep down honestly say that they don’t need anyone or anyone else’s approval.

    • Agh… Just saw my glaring typo. Please note that should read “how our” not “hour our”. Good grief. I need more coffee. And tha ability to proofread

    • I get what you’re saying, but I guess I was highlighting the fact that when I sit down and write I’m too concerned with what others want… not so much as to what I want to say. kwim? Too many stats views for this girl!

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