Have you ever noticed how when things get good, things must get bad as well? And that’s assuming I can even label things as good or bad, because in reality they’re all just things and can’t be classified as either. They’re just there, and I’m letting them get to me.
And so I might have a wee bit of a history with pity parties. I might own stock in pity party decorations, and I’m rather slow at taking down said decorations when the party is long done with. I figure one day, I’ll get it all out of my system and finally learn how to deal with things without throwing in the only child temper behind them.
I really don’t know what it is I need. Maybe a break? Maybe a fresh outlook? Maybe more time in my faith? Maybe all of the above… I do know I need something, and the things I think I need probably aren’t it.
Like validation. Yes I’m admitting it loud and clear. I need validation, tons of it, lots and lots, or I will instantly fabricate excuses on why I shouldn’t invest myself into something. And i know I always think I need more validation than what I have earned. Which spins in circles and ticks me off even more.
And when you do the math, I need other people. Which is bad and wrong on all sorts of spectrums. I shouldn’t need other people to carry me throughout the challenges I have set for myself. But I do. Maybe I can blame it on being a Leo, if you’re into that sort of thing.
And can it really even be my fault when I’m a Leo and an only child, swirled into one very confused mind? I mean honestly, take a sign that is based on attention and power and mix it with a child who had no one growing up besides a whole bunch of elderly people… of course I’ll have issues.
Or excuses, I always have a lot of excuses.
And blame, I always want to dip my toes in that as well. But again, that’s going back to needing other people. At least I can identify the circles.
Long story short (yes I know this already all sorts of long and drawn out) I’ve let something out there get under my skin. Yes I know exactly what it is, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is knowing if it’s my problem, if it’s worthy of the stress… or if it’s all just a figment of my stretched out imagination. Which is quite difficult to do without showing all my sides of crazy. (circles, I’m an expert at them)
So I’m back at the beginning, what do I really need?
I suppose, if I have to answer it, if I want to act all intelligent and together. I guess I need time, but more than that. I need to keep going, keeping pressing on, to push myself despite what I think I’m lacking.
But I don’t wanna.